A little piece of me deadens thinking of being surrounded in one area of thought. Thus, the idea of being locked into a career sounds dreadful and blinding. All through school, I've thrived in how every hour of my day has been drastically different, going from one dramatically different subject to another, with different people, with different possibilities for conversation and experience. Yes, I'm a young and ignorant college student, and I fit the mold in that I don't want to be tied down.
Getting ready for another transition has also made me full of reflection. Leaving the people I've grown with the last 4 years is horrible thing to ask of someone. This is hypocritical of me-- the one that loves change-- to be bitter of the fact that change requires relationships to change. I'm probably being a little dramatic-- I bet Kansas City will keep many of my friends close to me. Part of me has regret that I didn't take the chance to get to know some great people better. Part of me is scared that this summer, living back at home, is going to be a lot harder than I think it will. Part of me is ready to leave because of an ever widening experience/maturity gap that makes it hard to relate at times.
Right now I'm in probably one of the most frustrating, uprooting period of my faith and out look on life. My mind has been filled with criticisms and doubts. I have the feeling that this will either make my faith much stronger or deflate a huge part of me. Through all this logical debate in my mind-- I also feel this emotional struggle-- there's a part of me that will push God away, in hopes that He'll pursue even harder, and not give up on me, vs. this fear that, what if He doesn't?
2 comments:
A couple things stood out to me.
"I have the feeling that this will either make my faith much stronger or deflate a huge part of me."
This is your first mistake. Not having the confidence that these hardships will strengthen your faith. You're setting yourself up for failure if failure is an option Em.
"there's a part of me that will push God away, in hopes that He'll pursue even harder, and not give up on me, vs. this fear that, what if He doesn't?"
This is another mistake. HE WILL. God will continue to pursue You, but you've got to be available to Him. If a man were pursuing a woman for a relationship, she doesn't (in her right mind) push him away to see if he'll really follow after her. The guy will be discouraged, up and move on. God most definitely will not move on from you, but He too will be discouraged that you don't take Him at his word.
Philippians 1:6 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%20138;&version=31;
Wow Emily. I've got to be honest, I never thought I'd hear things like that from you. It's kind of scary. You've been drawn into this line of thought that if God was real and loved us, He'd do more to prove that. But if there were all this physical evidence that led to God, in a way He would be forcing us to love Him, because there would be no alternate. God doesn't want us to love simply because that's what we're supposed to do, He wants real authentic love, just like we do. I don't want my dad to love me because he's supposed to, I want him to care about my life. God wants us to care about Him and His Kingdom. Who are we to command the creator of the universe to reveal Himself to us? More than He already has?!
For you to say we need something other than the bible to prove itself is way off track from what a Christian believes, I don't know if that's obvious to you or not. I was just reading in 1Samuel that the word of God was rare in those times, and not many people knew of it. How blessed we are to have this book, persevering through history. Why do we need other evidence? Why must all of this be proven without a doubt? Where's the faith in that? Is faith blind? Yes. That's what makes it faith.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Heb11:1
I disagree with you that it's good to know "both sides" because that's playing with fire and setting yourself up to be enticed by "the other side", whatever that may be. If you struggle with drinking, you're not going to minister in the bars. There is a valid point in knowing another side to what you believe, but not to the point where it begins to draw you away from what you once so strongly believed with all your heart beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Why are you allowing these "questions of the philosopher" to enter your mind and play with your faith? It's so obvious that's the enemy Emily. The fact that you had to tell me you're not completely denying God makes me wonder how much doubt is really gathering in your mind.
I can remember anytime your name came up in conversation, it was always about how solid and sold out you were for Christ. What's changed?
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