Gates

Enter in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many there be which go in.

Strait is the gate and narrow is the way which leads unto life, and few there be that find it.                      

Matthew 8

Why is this gate to God so hard for others to find?

Am I directing anyone towards it?

My Protector

This last Saturday my dear Grandpa Brody passed away.

Along with mourning such a immeasurable loss, I noticed there were other feelings of loss that were stirring inside of me. It was more than losing a strong, moral, kind grandpa, but because of his role in my life it feels like the loss of much more.

It brings me back to those little girl desires that it seems were never intended to go away. Our innate desire for our dads, grandpas and our"princes" (and all the other men in our lives)  to be our protectors and leaders against all the evil villains in the world. Granted, you grow up and realize their weaknesses and imperfections, but still, when they make the effort to lead or protect, it still can mean the world.

It makes my heart break again when I think of the loss of my Uncle Craig, for so many other reasons, but one being the fact he was a strong man of God that I long to be able to talk with about my faith and hear his advice and counsel. I also think about the recent loss of my dear friend Jarret Wade, who I also looked to as a spiritual leader in my life that I work to live after his example.  I even think about Ced, my past boyfriend that I care about and respect, who was so protective over me, but now isn't apart of my life because God lead us different ways.

Sometimes I feel like I am up against the world alone and defenseless.

With all these things pressing heavy on my heart, God intervened and reminded me of truths that were able to sink in like they haven't been able to before. I don't want to go down the path of self protection where I build up walls around my heart and think I'm strong enough to deal with anything life throws at me alone. Instead, humbly, I believe that I am in need of God and I trust that He is my loving and strong protector and leader that is more than anything I will come up against. Other men may play a similar role in my life in the future, but it wont compare. How thankful I am though for those men that have reflected God's character to protect and lead in my life!

Thanking God today especially for my precious Grandpa Brody. I love you so much and will miss you terribly. The impact you've made in raising up our family is the most beautiful gift and I'm so thankful for you. I cannot wait to see you again. <3

I am free.

Be free my precious child from the pressure you feel to have others' approval.
I hear their criticisms and see how it tears your heart apart.

But as the Creator of the Universe to your loving Dad, I need you to know my opinion hasn't changed.

You are loved.
You are treasured.
I desire you.

Be free my sweet daughter from the lies you hear that you're not good enough, pretty enough or talented enough.

You're worth my life.
I have made you wonderfully.
I  have gifted you with talents all your own.

Be free from their judgement.
Be free to accept My love.
Be free to live.

What "Love is" in Teacher World

I've been reflecting on how teaching is 120% relational and thinking about what 1 Cor. 13 practically means in teacher world. Going to have this right by my desk so I can be reminded!

Love is…
1 Cor. 13

Patient
I don’t know the struggles others are up against.
Take time to learn before you assume.

Kind
Take every opportunity to be kind to others.
People are more important than tasks.

Encouraging
Celebrate other’s accomplishments with them,
sometimes we all need outside perspectives.

Humble
Don’t brag, no one else really cares.
I didn’t accomplish anything by myself.

Polite
Redeem rough situations with kind words.
Communicate how valuable people are.

Team Oriented
Always think about how the work I’m doing
can benefit my whole team and not just myself.

Calm
Take and deep breathe.
Don’t take everything personally.

Forgiving
I’m not perfect either!
Normally people give the best they have to offer.

Protective
Of other’s reputations when they vent.
Unity builds, division destroys.

Trusting
That administrative choices are made
with everyone’s best interest in mind.

Hopeful
That the work I am doing is making
a positive impact in student’s lives.

Persevering
Get back up and try again!

"Ms. Duggan"

Another new life transition along with a rainy day inevitably results in reflecting in the blogosphere... and ohh how I've missed it!

Life as "Ms. Duggan" has officially begun, as thankfully, I am going to finally be a teacher this fall! This life goal started when I was 9, playing school with my little cousin and never following through with my promise that she could have her turn being the teacher, she just didn't understand the passion I already had for the profession! ;) I wonder how many people in my position, who like me, already have a stocked "teacher closet" they've excitedly been adding to for years from clearance bins and garage sales for that day when I would finally have my own classroom. It takes a certain kind of person to get excited about post-it notes, books and construction paper, but I am definitely one of them.

This last month and the few ahead have been and will be a wonderful new teacher honeymoon stage. I am aware of it's time limit, but have decided to enjoy it while it's here!! I've had my first interview, first job offer, first class list, first teacher meetings and will be spending the summer loving putting my first classroom together! You can expect that I'll be taking a picture posed by my door as soon as my name is on it!

I am aware I was born with rose colored glasses, and because of them I grew up soaking in every Lifetime movie about teachers that made a dramatic difference in poor, urban schools. (All in under 2 hours!) Thankfully, a little maturity and life experience has set in, I've put my cape back in my closet, and have become much more aware of the struggles my students and I are up against and how much I have to learn. It's going to require an amount of strength that I'll have to stretch for everyday. I imagine this next year is going to be one for the books (and hopefully the blog!).

Elisa's Makeover

Yesterday my 4yr old niece Elisa and I had such a fun and sweet memory. We were doing our usual...me hanging out in my room and her taking full advantage of my costume box (everyone has one of those right?) and putting on a new pretend character or music video with each find. She's hilarious, completely crazy and wild, and fearless when it comes to her dancing and signing, such a beautiful sight. She found an old make up bag I had in there, and we had fun figuring out where all these weird powders went, she found that she preferred the 10 layer multicolor lipstick look as well as the eyeshadowed eyebrows. We agreed it was a good look on her. Well, I made the mistake of leaving for awhile, only to come back to her completely naked, with lipstick lines from her lips to her toes, and a lip-stick colored-in bikini top, where she even drew the strings!! HAHAHAHhahahaha!! All I could muster up to do was laugh and say, "Well, it's important that you're creative! So when your mommy sees this, you just tell her that!" So we practiced her line, then, like clockwork, she went down stairs and immediately I heard a big gasp from her mom, and with all the certainty and confidence I heard in her sweet little girl voice, "Mom, it's important that I'm creative!!" Ahahaha, I about lost it. Then my sister's typical response, EMILY!! We had to soak her in the tub for awhile, it turns out cheap old lipstick really sticks well to the body, and the carpet, ohh well, definitely worth it!

Don't Do It

PEDESTRIANS. You're driving along, progressing at a completely legal speed and it happens...

V=T/D + several thousand pound vehical + steel + 6 cylinders + you in the car + blur in the shape of a human walking + split second = BRAKES!

This person, after what must have been a flash hypnotizing from the road's striped lines, dives directly into your path. I do mean dives, you've all seen it. It makes you half-way wonder if, as part of the human moral code, you should stop, give them a hug and tell them they have so much to live for, or at least find a way that's less messy. I'm only kidding.

Then, after slamming on your breaks and screeching to a halt, your forehead to the window, and your mom arm extended, you take a moment to awe at this human wonder. As they progress at the speed of snail in front of you, you have plenty of time to size them up. You realize they appear as a logical person, how could this have happened? Where did their educational experience do them wrong where it told them that it made more sense to demand to go first before a bone crushing machine weighing X1000 times their weight? Could this be the consequences of an educational system too bent on positive reinforcement and confidence boosting? Not to mention this machine also posses the ability to pass this small section of road in split seconds, but you're right, we should all watch your malleable body stroll across the path and admire that you have the ability to make time stand still.

The best is when you've had to come to an obviously abrupt stop to save their life, and they give you this look as they roll their eyes, ... I mean, how dare you enter their space like that?

I'd like to think we could all learn from life when it was simple and the rules of life were basic: T-Rex is on direct route to his prey, little baby raptor is in a hurry to pass him, what happens? Baby raptor goes to the Land of No Time, aka eternity.

I mean, maybe there's more to it than I understand. Maybe people just aren't getting the adventurous rushes in life they desire, I get that. Maybe they think they look really cute that day and just need someone to notice. Maybe they've always wondered what it would feel like to be flat? Quickest way to fit in those jeans again? I don't know, maybe it's not something I will understand until I get older.

Problems I Love Having

I can’t stop one kindergarten boy from sneaking a kiss on my check.
Can’t get another to stay seated when I walk in because he has to run to give me a hug and say good morning.
I can’t get a second of free time because another wants us to put the dinosaur puzzle together …again.
I dont have a break at recess because I can’t turn down one's invitation to Duck Duck Goose.

I've been thinking about real problems at my job too. Days when I question whether the meager salary and exhausting responsibility of my job is worth it. Long days of kids with all their gusto refusing to follow directions, violent tantrums and out of control emotions, which easily can turn my world into a frusterating chaos. I realized what a good feeling it was though was to be able to look back and see... we were there, remember that awful day-- but we survived, ...we were dedicated to support,... we kept coming,... we had a lot of rough spots but we are still here now, and things are a little better,... and the kids are still being taken care of and loved the best we can, ...and they are making it through life with the best we have to give,... and its been a journey, and we were apart of it, ...and its good.

Notice the bottom of the swing says "Miracle"

Up Close and Personal

So I just got over with one of the best experiences I've had as person wanting to follow Christ and it feels awesome. This is totally the way God works and it's so beautiful and genuinely felt so thankful to be able to be a part of it.

Here's how the story goes...

While I was in South Africa I wanted to be away from all the influences around me so I could deal with some blows I had to my faith and to be able to sort things out with God by myself. The time away was just what I needed, but my purpose there to reconnect with God didn't happen until a few bumps in the road.

So when I came back, I felt weak, knowing and believing in God, but I was dealing with the aftermath of my mistakes and again feeling malnourished in my faith. It was at that time that I couldn't' get the idea out of my head and felt so driven and passionate about bringing the Just Walk Across the Room Course to the church I grew up in but hadn't really been to since high school.

I can't tell you how uncomfortable I felt presenting the idea to these two pastors that I really admired but was really intimated by -- what "right" did I have to lead this course in the position I was in? Surprisingly, I was given the go ahead, and then started the 7 month uncomfortable process of promoting and getting leaders involved from the church (where I was a stranger) and then lots of other administrative things that were over my head.

The 4 week course finally became a reality and took place in November. The course was a video and group discussion set up all about Jesus' love for people and how to share that love and the gospel. There were about 200 people, and it seemed to go over really well. I don't really care to know if or how people were affected by it, what was so cool to me was what it meant from me to God-- that He let me be a part of something so worthwhile when I was in a position of having nothing to offer.

I get the feeling that is how it's always suppose to be.

New Chapter

I open my eyes some mornings still in shock of the day in front of me.

Last August through February I woke up in South Africa, traveling and experiencing a far away culture and people. March through August I woke up living in a new house back with my parents, waitressing nights and weekends, waking up when I wanted to and loving my Salsa Nights and T-Ball. Now when I wake up, all those people and places and experiences are still fresh on my mind, but life in front of me has changed dramatically again. Within a few days I stopped working at Olive Garden, started a new full time job, started three masters classes, changed my degree and said good bye to any second of free time. All these changes with the changes of people and time and mind frames that go with them all equaled up to a lot!

Not going to lie, that was a month ago and I'm finally over the urge to cry at any moment.

My new ideal day is waking up at 5ish, studying for a few hours, working from 8-4, and going to classes Tuesday and Wednesday (until 10pm!) nights at UMKC and studying every spare second in between. It's tough- that's the bad news, the good news is, I'm learning to like it a lot- or at least survive.

My new job is being a Para Professional in an elementary school in Raytown. I work in a self contained classroom of seven, 5-7 year old boys with Autism or Downsyndrom. Normal days include screaming meltdowns, violent tantrums, and chasing down one little boy that escapes and tries to run away. Normal days also include sweet moments of little boys looking out for each other and saying some hilarious things. I'm learning a whole new way to teach and I work with awesome woman, that thankfully know a lot more about what they're doing than I do!

Just as I was starting my Masters degree, I changed it to a Masters in Curriculum and Instruction with an emphasis in Multiculturalism. I don’t' know how this math works out, but for my 3 classes I have 8 books to read, with the awesome kind of chapters that are 50-100 pages long. I have been surprisingly shocked though at how interested I am in most of my reading. It's all about learning how to teach students with diverse cultures and include social justice in your teaching, which is right up my ally.

So that's it, this is the new chapter I'm in now. It's hard because with new and evermounting responsibilities it takes away from keeping up with people I care about. If you're reading this you're probably one of them!

My mom has been such awesome support for me.

VA

One of my new favorite life experiences is spending Wednesday mornings at the VA (Veterans Association- Hospital). I hope you get the chance to experience it someday. The vibe of this place comes alive as soon as you walk in and you get this deep sense of awe in the history of valor , defeate and comrodery that surrounds you. War Veterans come in that are ornery, overwhelmed, and more often than not hiding fear about the unstability of their health. Most of them are WW2 or Vietnam Vets who come proudly sporting their division with hats/jackets and are ready to share stories and life advice with whoever is in earshot. I get to be a part of a team that greets them and helps them find their way around the hospital. I've gotten to ease anxieties, hold hands, push wheel chairs, make appointments, wait in waiting rooms, go for cane 'fittings', share Laffy Taffy and today have to tell an elderly man I probably couldn't marry him even if he was willing to buy me a car. Ha! Lots of big flirts still in their old age! It's been a pretty special thing for me- especially thinking about my Grandpa (WW2) and my Dad (Vietnam) and my brother and his wife who are leaving for Army Boot Camp in October. In some round about way I feel like it's my chance to support them.

News...

Two days ago my family found out my dad is eligible for Veterans Disability because of Agent Orange he was exposed to in Vietnam.

(Taking out the part of the story that includes my dad's health issues and how hard it's been for everyone to deal with them.)

I found out one of his benefits is that I have until I turn 26 (23 months) to accept money for school, more than enough to pay for a Masters. Insane, absolutely unreal. I never thought I would. (Will be paying for Undergrad for sometime still!)

But as of yesterday I decided, applied, and am taking the GRE this Saturday! Wow, still surprising news to me. Looking into online English as a Second Language Masters through NWMSU.

Feelings of insane humblness, graditude, weight of a 2 year commitment, and a touch of sceptisisim that it will help me in getting a job in the current economy-- but all the same, imense graditude for the oppurtunity.

These are a few of my favorite things...currently.

- Magic Shell Chocolate Fudge
...seriously, if you haven't tried it, it will change your life. Somehow this liquidy chocolaty goodness goes hard when it touches ice cream, creating sensational magic inside your mouth.

- The fact I have my days off.
...I tried for awhile to get a 2nd job for the day time, but so glad I didn't. Spent today with Ashley and wedding crafts, and tomorrow with Ang and my sis (and the little ones!) to Kaleidoscope!

- Blog/Facebook comments.
... Enough said. Everyone loves those!

- My niece 5 mins away.
... My 3 year old niece Elisa lives so close, I love getting to spend time with her. We have a special song we we made up and sing together regularly, "It's Emily and Elisa day, it's Emily and Elisa day, IT'S EMILY AND ELISA DAY, HURRRRRRAAAAY!!!" We're getting really good at it, of course there's lots of jumps and squeals and wiggles mixed in between.

- Road Trip!
... Leaving Thursday for a road trip with my good friend Erin to go see Kels in TEXAS! Excited for the adventure and the spontaneous combustion of craziness that is inevitable when we're together.

Ways I Feel Love

My dad asks me routinely how my cars working. Whenever I go somewhere he worries I don't have enough money and it takes heavy persuasion to reassure him I'll be fine.

My mom is so patient with me. She makes herself available and ready to help with absolutely anything and everything. Especially when I get lost driving more than I'd like to admit, she always becomes a loving Gardin.

My brothers voluntarily help me with my technological issues, even if it means a big time commitment.

My sister likes to dream with me and supports me in them.

I feel love in excited hellos or when people ask, listen, and then remember later to ask how that thing is going. And when people share their food with me. :)

I heard a guy say the other day that he considered being appreciative one of the purposes in life. I want to slow down and appreciate these things.

Summer Time!

If I were to pin point one of my absolute favorite feelings in the world (okay-- maybe just on the top ten) it would have to be summer time driving,
windows all the way down,
feet out the window (preferably not driving!),
music way up
and on route to an adventure.
The smell of fresh air and feeling of hair tussling. Man, this gets me excited just thinking about it! I would have trail mix and big sun glasses and I would be on my way to go canoeing/rafting/tubing/anything with wonderful company. Ahhhhhhhhhh sweet summertime.

-----------------------------------

Random fact about me is that I love linear things, and I've been realizing it more and more. I doodle geometrically, and I love linear hair cuts, designs and architecture. Last Christmas I went shopping for a new womanly bedspread (envisioning flowers, dainty curls, girliness) and after much contemplation I came home with a brown and white one with solid lines and I love it. Most of all I love boxy cars, especially Jeeps- Wrangler, Patriot, or Cherokee, my head turns every single time with a twinge of envy.

What does that say about me? Maybe I'm more of a linear thinker than I realize... I don't like too much fluff, I like things simple maybe?

Doughnuts and Departures

I don't know what it is about people wanting me to eat with them when I serve at Olive Garden, but last night was another one of those sweet moments. This precious old couple invited me (with lots if persausive force!) to share their desert (Zeipple-- little Italian doughnuts). "Oh honey, you need to have another one" as we sat and chatted and later a $20 tip! Couldn't belive it.

So my brother enlists in the Army today. His wife is as well. Scary stuff. Between their apartment leases and departure date (3 mos.?) they'll be living at home which will be cool because we can spend lots of time together. Of course a lot of patience will be needed as well, but I'm looking foward to it.

And it's now looking like my adventure to Costa Rica might be prolonged a few months. Hum, lifes on a wim at this stage.

Paid Reality Show

I know if Olive Garden had their own reality TV show it would be a hit- or at least I would like it! (I do actually, because I live it!) Filled with dramatic/funny/odd characters, there's always something entertaining and something to catch you off guard. I like to gamble with Mike (I've lost 20 cents so far- looking for a rematch) on whose food will come first in the window. Jorge's always ready to tell you 'ey luv you bebe', and laugh overly hard when he can't understand your English. Then there's Asian Mike who breaks out in full blown seriously loud opera singing to the costumers, and older Debra, full of ornery spunk who will tell you unfiltered how life is. If rambunctious Charlie finds you oblivious, he'll slip onions and lemons in your pouch, and if he has a towel in his hands, someone can expect a stinger on their behind! (I got one the other day and the whole restaurant heard about it! "CHARLIE!!!" Woops!) My friend Jen and I look a lot a like, and he have a great time tricking coworkers and costumers on whose who, and it often works!

I'm enjoying the show and enjoying them... most days.

Today I'm feeling restless.

Right now I have no desire to be settled or to start a family. I don't get excited about planning a wedding or decorating a house or being domesticated. I'm sure it will be enjoyable when the time comes. I guess it's easier to say this being on the outside, but I feel like it's easy to be pulled into all the little cares and concerns of those things and I see people turn in and get consumed with them. I don't want to do that. These people have so much potential to do bigger things. I never want to lose sight of the big things. Ever. I want to be turned out. I love what my aunt told me the other day, "you know, my house is rarely clean, but I love spending more time at the soup kitchen." I don't want to get more excited about new brownie pans then getting the chance to help someone out. I don't want to stress about my daily to-do list when there are people dieing of hunger. I don't want to get angry about late garbage pick-up when children are being abandoned. I don't want my priorities to be on nothing when they can be on something.

Go Thunder! Tee-Ball

Coach Emily/Third Base Coach/Me: Alright Sean, as soon as he hits that ball you gotta run lightening speed to home plate.

Sean (5 years): Have you ever seen Sonic the Head Hodge when he goes so fast he turns black?

Me: (Laughing) Is that what you're going to do?

Sean: (Big grin) YES!

(This little boy also runs with his arms straight for the same reason!)

Overheard...

Coach: You're playing short stop this inning.

Player: (5 yrs) Okay! Where's short stop?

Coach: Between 2nd and 3rd Player: Okay! Where's 2nd?