John 8:31-32
31Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;
32And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

These have been some of my favorite words to think about lately. Rich-beautiful-strong-hopeful-healing. They're 'big picture' words for me. I want to know the Truth more. I want to know its 'ins and outs' so well that I can know God more clearly and direct my life after it. I just want the truth- there are so many lies and so much confusion that can seem to be so convincing but so empty. The Resurrection (period).

I had a first today... a whole afternoon (until 4pm) anyway, to do absolutely nothing. I took the opportunity to take a breath, and step back to look at where I am in life. [This sounds strange until I get the chance to explain how crazy busy and absorbed into the daily routine details I've had to be lately]

I'm now a new 23 year old, post college woman working and living at home for the summer. I'm working two jobs to pay for my plane ticket to South Africa in August and to build up some savings to pay for student loans when I graduate in December. Underneath the discomfort of going through these last few challenging months, I would never take the easy route and miss what I've been able to take away from them.

I truly understand what it feels like for someone to experience doubt in their faith- to hit the bottom- and the confusion, and sadness that goes with it when what they've held so dear is questioned.

In May I taught in a KC school where few sterotypes fit at all. There were so many positive things going on there- you really can't go by what you hear- experience it for yourself, and then make an opinion.

I've felt anger when I watched one of my wealthier classmates stick up her nose when we drove through a poor side of town. What makes people think they are any better than another person because they have nicer things? That really bothered me and opened my eyes to the rotteness of ignorant pride.

I got to experience what it feels like to be an extreme minority, to be stared at in crowds and wondering to myself about what kind of wrong judgements they're making about me. Then, to learn some of my own wrong judgements I had made about them.

Overall, my job at Freedom School has been a challenging uphill battle. Nothings come easy and I've had to learn to motivate myself to keep going. I've gotten to experience so many awesome instances with the kids- trouble makers turned teacher's pets and glares turned into hugs. It's taken lots of care and patience-- but it really is rewarding to see some good come out. [It's only been one week-- let's hope I can still say the same at week 6!]

I just realize how general, and corny this sounds, but really- with all the new, unknown, and challenging things that have been put on my plate, I have experienced and learned so much in a short amount of time. There's been a lot of frusteration, and some tears, but it makes me think I always want to keep challenging myself anyway.

Post Northwest

I've decided the day before Mother's Day is my favorite day to shop- it was adorable today to see so many men trying cluelessly to pick out just the right purse or other gift for the special women in their life.

I'm now officially moved out of Maryville for good, and I'm going to miss it. Between saying good-bye to good friends, preparing the next leaders to take over CRU, packing up and moving out, and oh yeah- finals, it was a whirlwind of activity and emotion. Lots of really good memories and experiences came from ol' Maryville, and I'm thankful.

I had a whopping 2 days to let myself have closure and have it all settle in before my next adventure started. During the month of May I'm completing my teaching practicum at McCoy Elementary, an inner city KC school, and so far I'm loving it. In the midst of broken homes, poverty, drugs, and gang activity lye a class of third graders that have stolen my heart. These kids are so loving, and anti-sterotipical well behaved. I never leave without hugs and lots of disappointed faces that I'm leaving. I'm spoiled to have them.

Too legit to quit.

Unlike my entire life, this last semester I've pondered the legitimacy of Christianity more than ever. I've learned the perspective of the 'other side' and can see how Christianity can come across as less than convincing.

I've made a lot of asumptions... [which I'm sure the saying about 'asumptions' will prove true here somewhat as well]. What this really means is I judge people all the time and I'm not always right.

I assume that lots of people are in Christianity for reasons other than that they believe in God and want to give their lives to Him. I can see why unbelieving people call the church a feel-good 'crutch'. Why wouldn't people be drawn to a place where they are told constantly that someone loves them, will unconditionally forgive them, and allow them to think that everything they do is important because this God has a special plan for their life. [Since no person does this for them-- why not make up an invisible being that does? This way they wont get hurt or dissapointed.]

Then there are those that go through the Christian routine with no real signifigance that there is a God in their lifes at all. They are the ones that eat up the attention and praise they get for living the Christian life style and look down on those who don't. Christian activities become purpose for having a social circle where they belong and can stay busy and where they get their pats on the back for doing what's right. Christianity is nothing more than good PR for some and it sure doesn't sell God for an unbeliever or for anyone for that matter.

Sometimes my personal doubts come when I see the lack of initive in my life and the Christians around me. If God is legit, and His Words are true- then why can it be like pulling teath to get people to actually do something with what they say they believe? If God is real, why is it so hard to find people, especially guys to stand up and be bold in what they know about God or take any kind of spiritual risk? What we know about God sometimes doesn't seem to be enough to persuade us to make it a priority to tell unbeliving people about Him or to live our lives any differently than someone that doesn't know God. We are telling the world that we'll talk about how we believe in God, but we don't really believe it enough for it to significantly change our lives.

The seemingly ignorant and nieve Christian sayings are another thing that just sends me over the edge. Nothing screems ignorance like cliche, fairy tale type, cutsie sayings. Ignornace means to an unbeliever (and any sceptical mind, including myself) that you have been brainwashed into what you think, and you are just repeating what you've been spoon fed.

Examples that I can laugh at now, but at the time I was so annoyed...
- At CRU we had a speaker this semester that claimed it obviously wasn't God's will for her to go to Grad. School because she didn't pass the GRE. "Everything happens for a reason" right? It was just a minor detail that she didn't put any effort into studying for it. Ahh! Dumb!! Don't blame your bad decision on God.
- I was telling a pastor that I really admire recently how I was discouraged and struggling with logically dealing with things about Christianity. His advice for me was to, 'be encouraged'. I knew what he ment by that, but in my sceptical and sarcastic mind all I could think was, "Wow, that was deep. I'm totally encouraged now, that did the trick, thanks."
- The idea of blind faith is ironic to me too. 'Just believe.' I'm sure the people that flew the planes into the Twin Towers on 9/11 were completely motivated by blind faith too.


I'm not saying I think God and Christianity are not legit. I am saying if people arn't really persuing knowing God and what truth is, it sure makes it harder to be convincing.

What are your thoughts?

Little People

Awesome kid moments lately...

+ I was ease dropping on preschooler Maddie talking dramatically with her friend at the sand table, "Did you know Beast, in The Beauty and the Best is real. He is, I know he is because I saw him at Disney World."
+ One of my favorite first grade boys asked me yesterday if I would marry him. I had to tell him no because he was too short for me. :)
+ This one means the most to me... a boy that has always been the biggest trouble maker the 2 years I've worked there(to the point of having to leave the program because of violence) and has always made it no secret he didn't like me-- recently has become my biggest fan. 'Ms. Emily, Ms. Emily watch this.' (I heard this about 10 times in a 30min period today). I mentioned I liked a movie, 'Oh yeah that is a good movie. Yeah, that is a really good movie. Ms. Emily are you going to be in afterschool today?' It's a powerful thing to see a change of heart.

Some how, getting this out feels better.

A little piece of me deadens thinking of being surrounded in one area of thought. Thus, the idea of being locked into a career sounds dreadful and blinding. All through school, I've thrived in how every hour of my day has been drastically different, going from one dramatically different subject to another, with different people, with different possibilities for conversation and experience. Yes, I'm a young and ignorant college student, and I fit the mold in that I don't want to be tied down.

Getting ready for another transition has also made me full of reflection. Leaving the people I've grown with the last 4 years is horrible thing to ask of someone. This is hypocritical of me-- the one that loves change-- to be bitter of the fact that change requires relationships to change. I'm probably being a little dramatic-- I bet Kansas City will keep many of my friends close to me. Part of me has regret that I didn't take the chance to get to know some great people better. Part of me is scared that this summer, living back at home, is going to be a lot harder than I think it will. Part of me is ready to leave because of an ever widening experience/maturity gap that makes it hard to relate at times.

Right now I'm in probably one of the most frustrating, uprooting period of my faith and out look on life. My mind has been filled with criticisms and doubts. I have the feeling that this will either make my faith much stronger or deflate a huge part of me. Through all this logical debate in my mind-- I also feel this emotional struggle-- there's a part of me that will push God away, in hopes that He'll pursue even harder, and not give up on me, vs. this fear that, what if He doesn't?

Kindred Spirit?

This is Desiderius Erasmus, one of the most influential of the northern Renaissance humanists as well as my new fascination of study. He desired to restore Christianity to the early simplicity found in Jesus' teaching in a time where the "church" was horribly corrupted in legalistic forms of religion. He believed that to reform the church it involved spreading an understanding of the philosophy of Jesus, providing an enlightened education in the sources of early Christianity, and making common sense criticism of the abuses in the church.

Thank God for how he used this man and Martin Luther right after him. Who would have thought I'd find western civ 2 so intriguing.