Little People

Awesome kid moments lately...

+ I was ease dropping on preschooler Maddie talking dramatically with her friend at the sand table, "Did you know Beast, in The Beauty and the Best is real. He is, I know he is because I saw him at Disney World."
+ One of my favorite first grade boys asked me yesterday if I would marry him. I had to tell him no because he was too short for me. :)
+ This one means the most to me... a boy that has always been the biggest trouble maker the 2 years I've worked there(to the point of having to leave the program because of violence) and has always made it no secret he didn't like me-- recently has become my biggest fan. 'Ms. Emily, Ms. Emily watch this.' (I heard this about 10 times in a 30min period today). I mentioned I liked a movie, 'Oh yeah that is a good movie. Yeah, that is a really good movie. Ms. Emily are you going to be in afterschool today?' It's a powerful thing to see a change of heart.

Some how, getting this out feels better.

A little piece of me deadens thinking of being surrounded in one area of thought. Thus, the idea of being locked into a career sounds dreadful and blinding. All through school, I've thrived in how every hour of my day has been drastically different, going from one dramatically different subject to another, with different people, with different possibilities for conversation and experience. Yes, I'm a young and ignorant college student, and I fit the mold in that I don't want to be tied down.

Getting ready for another transition has also made me full of reflection. Leaving the people I've grown with the last 4 years is horrible thing to ask of someone. This is hypocritical of me-- the one that loves change-- to be bitter of the fact that change requires relationships to change. I'm probably being a little dramatic-- I bet Kansas City will keep many of my friends close to me. Part of me has regret that I didn't take the chance to get to know some great people better. Part of me is scared that this summer, living back at home, is going to be a lot harder than I think it will. Part of me is ready to leave because of an ever widening experience/maturity gap that makes it hard to relate at times.

Right now I'm in probably one of the most frustrating, uprooting period of my faith and out look on life. My mind has been filled with criticisms and doubts. I have the feeling that this will either make my faith much stronger or deflate a huge part of me. Through all this logical debate in my mind-- I also feel this emotional struggle-- there's a part of me that will push God away, in hopes that He'll pursue even harder, and not give up on me, vs. this fear that, what if He doesn't?