show me what is real...

Be

2011-10-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Be free my child from the pressure you feel to have others' approval.
I hear their criticisms and see how it tears your heart apart.

But from the Creator of the Universe to your loving Dad, I need you to know my opinion hasn't changed.

You are loved.
You are my treasure.
I desire you.

Be free my daughter from the lies you hear that you're not good enough, pretty enough or talented enough.

Your worth my life.
I've made you wonderfully.
I have gifted you with talents all your own.

Be free.
Be free to accept My love.
Be free to live.

What "Love is" in Teacher World

2011-05-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

I've been reflecting on how teaching is 120% relational and thinking about what 1 Cor. 13 practically means in teacher world. Going to have this right by my desk so I can be reminded!

Love is…
1 Cor. 13

Patient
I don’t know the struggles others are up against.
Take time to learn before you assume.

Kind
Take every opportunity to be kind to others.
People are more important than tasks.

Encouraging
Celebrate other’s accomplishments with them,
sometimes we all need outside perspectives.

Humble
Don’t brag, no one else really cares.
I didn’t accomplish anything by myself.

Polite
Redeem rough situations with kind words.
Communicate how valuable people are.

Team Oriented
Always think about how the work I’m doing
can benefit my whole team and not just myself.

Calm
Take and deep breathe.
Don’t take everything personally.

Forgiving
I’m not perfect either!
Normally people give the best they have to offer.

Protective
Of other’s reputations when they vent.
Unity builds, division destroys.

Trusting
That administrative choices are made
with everyone’s best interest in mind.

Hopeful
That the work I am doing is making
a positive impact in student’s lives.

Persevering
Get back up and try again!

"Ms. Duggan"

2011-05-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

Another new life transition along with a rainy day inevitably results in reflecting in the blogosphere... and ohh how I've missed it!

Life as "Ms. Duggan" has officially begun, as thankfully, I am going to finally be a teacher this fall! This life goal started when I was 9, playing school with my little cousin and never following through with my promise that she could have her turn being the teacher, she just didn't understand the passion I already had for the profession! ;) I wonder how many people in my position, who like me, already have a stocked "teacher closet" they've excitedly been adding to for years from clearance bins and garage sales for that day when I would finally have my own classroom. It takes a certain kind of person to get excited about post-it notes, books and construction paper, but I am definitely one of them.

This last month and the few ahead have been and will be a wonderful new teacher honeymoon stage. I am aware of it's time limit, but have decided to enjoy it while it's here!! I've had my first interview, first job offer, first class list, first teacher meetings and will be spending the summer loving putting my first classroom together! You can expect that I'll be taking a picture posed by my door as soon as my name is on it!

I am aware I was born with rose colored glasses, and because of them I grew up soaking in every Lifetime movie about teachers that made a dramatic difference in poor, urban schools. (All in under 2 hours!) Thankfully, a little maturity and life experience has set in, I've put my cape back in my closet, and have become much more aware of the struggles my students and I are up against and how much I have to learn. It's going to require an amount of strength that I'll have to stretch for everyday. I imagine this next year is going to be one for the books (and hopefully the blog!).

Elisa's Makeover

2010-12-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my 4yr old niece Elisa and I had such a fun and sweet memory. We were doing our usual...me hanging out in my room and her taking full advantage of my costume box (everyone has one of those right?) and putting on a new pretend character or music video with each find. She's hilarious, completely crazy and wild, and fearless when it comes to her dancing and signing, such a beautiful sight. She found an old make up bag I had in there, and we had fun figuring out where all these weird powders went, she found that she preferred the 10 layer multicolor lipstick look as well as the eyeshadowed eyebrows. We agreed it was a good look on her. Well, I made the mistake of leaving for awhile, only to come back to her completely naked, with lipstick lines from her lips to her toes, and a lip-stick colored-in bikini top, where she even drew the strings!! HAHAHAHhahahaha!! All I could muster up to do was laugh and say, "Well, it's important that you're creative! So when your mommy sees this, you just tell her that!" So we practiced her line, then, like clockwork, she went down stairs and immediately I heard a big gasp from her mom, and with all the certainty and confidence I heard in her sweet little girl voice, "Mom, it's important that I'm creative!!" Ahahaha, I about lost it. Then my sister's typical response, EMILY!! We had to soak her in the tub for awhile, it turns out cheap old lipstick really sticks well to the body, and the carpet, ohh well, definitely worth it!

Don't Do It

2010-08-27T17:07:00.000-07:00

PEDESTRIANS. You're driving along, progressing at a completely legal speed and it happens...

V=T/D + several thousand pound vehical + steel + 6 cylinders + you in the car + blur in the shape of a human walking + split second = BRAKES!

This person, after what must have been a flash hypnotizing from the road's striped lines, dives directly into your path. I do mean dives, you've all seen it. It makes you half-way wonder if, as part of the human moral code, you should stop, give them a hug and tell them they have so much to live for, or at least find a way that's less messy. I'm only kidding.

Then, after slamming on your breaks and screeching to a halt, your forehead to the window, and your mom arm extended, you take a moment to awe at this human wonder. As they progress at the speed of snail in front of you, you have plenty of time to size them up. You realize they appear as a logical person, how could this have happened? Where did their educational experience do them wrong where it told them that it made more sense to demand to go first before a bone crushing machine weighing X1000 times their weight? Could this be the consequences of an educational system too bent on positive reinforcement and confidence boosting? Not to mention this machine also posses the ability to pass this small section of road in split seconds, but you're right, we should all watch your malleable body stroll across the path and admire that you have the ability to make time stand still.

The best is when you've had to come to an obviously abrupt stop to save their life, and they give you this look as they roll their eyes, ... I mean, how dare you enter their space like that?

I'd like to think we could all learn from life when it was simple and the rules of life were basic: T-Rex is on direct route to his prey, little baby raptor is in a hurry to pass him, what happens? Baby raptor goes to the Land of No Time, aka eternity.

I mean, maybe there's more to it than I understand. Maybe people just aren't getting the adventurous rushes in life they desire, I get that. Maybe they think they look really cute that day and just need someone to notice. Maybe they've always wondered what it would feel like to be flat? Quickest way to fit in those jeans again? I don't know, maybe it's not something I will understand until I get older.

Problems I Love Having

2010-03-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

I can’t stop one kindergarten boy from sneaking a kiss on my check.
Can’t get another to stay seated when I walk in because he has to run to give me a hug and say good morning.
I can’t get a second of free time because another wants us to put the dinosaur puzzle together …again.
I dont have a break at recess because I can’t turn down one's invitation to Duck Duck Goose.

I've been thinking about real problems at my job too. Days when I question whether the meager salary and exhausting responsibility of my job is worth it. Long days of kids with all their gusto refusing to follow directions, violent tantrums and out of control emotions, which easily can turn my world into a frusterating chaos. I realized what a good feeling it was though was to be able to look back and see... we were there, remember that awful day-- but we survived, ...we were dedicated to support,... we kept coming,... we had a lot of rough spots but we are still here now, and things are a little better,... and the kids are still being taken care of and loved the best we can, ...and they are making it through life with the best we have to give,... and its been a journey, and we were apart of it, ...and its good.

Notice the bottom of the swing says "Miracle"

Up Close and Personal

2009-12-24T12:28:00.000-08:00

So I just got over with one of the best experiences I've had as person wanting to follow Christ and it feels awesome. This is totally the way God works and it's so beautiful and genuinely felt so thankful to be able to be a part of it.

Here's how the story goes...

While I was in South Africa I wanted to be away from all the influences around me so I could deal with some blows I had to my faith and to be able to sort things out with God by myself. The time away was just what I needed, but my purpose there to reconnect with God didn't happen until a few bumps in the road.

So when I came back, I felt weak, knowing and believing in God, but I was dealing with the aftermath of my mistakes and again feeling malnourished in my faith. It was at that time that I couldn't' get the idea out of my head and felt so driven and passionate about bringing the Just Walk Across the Room Course to the church I grew up in but hadn't really been to since high school.

I can't tell you how uncomfortable I felt presenting the idea to these two pastors that I really admired but was really intimated by -- what "right" did I have to lead this course in the position I was in? Surprisingly, I was given the go ahead, and then started the 7 month uncomfortable process of promoting and getting leaders involved from the church (where I was a stranger) and then lots of other administrative things that were over my head.

The 4 week course finally became a reality and took place in November. The course was a video and group discussion set up all about Jesus' love for people and how to share that love and the gospel. There were about 200 people, and it seemed to go over really well. I don't really care to know if or how people were affected by it, what was so cool to me was what it meant from me to God-- that He let me be a part of something so worthwhile when I was in a position of having nothing to offer.

I get the feeling that is how it's always suppose to be.

New Chapter

2009-10-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

I open my eyes some mornings still in shock of the day in front of me.

Last August through February I woke up in South Africa, traveling and experiencing a far away culture and people. March through August I woke up living in a new house back with my parents, waitressing nights and weekends, waking up when I wanted to and loving my Salsa Nights and T-Ball. Now when I wake up, all those people and places and experiences are still fresh on my mind, but life in front of me has changed dramatically again. Within a few days I stopped working at Olive Garden, started a new full time job, started three masters classes, changed my degree and said good bye to any second of free time. All these changes with the changes of people and time and mind frames that go with them all equaled up to a lot!

Not going to lie, that was a month ago and I'm finally over the urge to cry at any moment.

My new ideal day is waking up at 5ish, studying for a few hours, working from 8-4, and going to classes Tuesday and Wednesday (until 10pm!) nights at UMKC and studying every spare second in between. It's tough- that's the bad news, the good news is, I'm learning to like it a lot- or at least survive.

My new job is being a Para Professional in an elementary school in Raytown. I work in a self contained classroom of seven, 5-7 year old boys with Autism or Downsyndrom. Normal days include screaming meltdowns, violent tantrums, and chasing down one little boy that escapes and tries to run away. Normal days also include sweet moments of little boys looking out for each other and saying some hilarious things. I'm learning a whole new way to teach and I work with awesome woman, that thankfully know a lot more about what they're doing than I do!

Just as I was starting my Masters degree, I changed it to a Masters in Curriculum and Instruction with an emphasis in Multiculturalism. I don’t' know how this math works out, but for my 3 classes I have 8 books to read, with the awesome kind of chapters that are 50-100 pages long. I have been surprisingly shocked though at how interested I am in most of my reading. It's all about learning how to teach students with diverse cultures and include social justice in your teaching, which is right up my ally.

So that's it, this is the new chapter I'm in now. It's hard because with new and evermounting responsibilities it takes away from keeping up with people I care about. If you're reading this you're probably one of them!

My mom has been such awesome support for me.

VA

2009-07-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

One of my new favorite life experiences is spending Wednesday mornings at the VA (Veterans Association- Hospital). I hope you get the chance to experience it someday. The vibe of this place comes alive as soon as you walk in and you get this deep sense of awe in the history of valor , defeate and comrodery that surrounds you. War Veterans come in that are ornery, overwhelmed, and more often than not hiding fear about the unstability of their health. Most of them are WW2 or Vietnam Vets who come proudly sporting their division with hats/jackets and are ready to share stories and life advice with whoever is in earshot. I get to be a part of a team that greets them and helps them find their way around the hospital. I've gotten to ease anxieties, hold hands, push wheel chairs, make appointments, wait in waiting rooms, go for cane 'fittings', share Laffy Taffy and today have to tell an elderly man I probably couldn't marry him even if he was willing to buy me a car. Ha! Lots of big flirts still in their old age! It's been a pretty special thing for me- especially thinking about my Grandpa (WW2) and my Dad (Vietnam) and my brother and his wife who are leaving for Army Boot Camp in October. In some round about way I feel like it's my chance to support them.

News...

2009-06-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

Two days ago my family found out my dad is eligible for Veterans Disability because of Agent Orange he was exposed to in Vietnam.

(Taking out the part of the story that includes my dad's health issues and how hard it's been for everyone to deal with them.)

I found out one of his benefits is that I have until I turn 26 (23 months) to accept money for school, more than enough to pay for a Masters. Insane, absolutely unreal. I never thought I would. (Will be paying for Undergrad for sometime still!)

But as of yesterday I decided, applied, and am taking the GRE this Saturday! Wow, still surprising news to me. Looking into online English as a Second Language Masters through NWMSU.

Feelings of insane humblness, graditude, weight of a 2 year commitment, and a touch of sceptisisim that it will help me in getting a job in the current economy-- but all the same, imense graditude for the oppurtunity.

These are a few of my favorite things...currently.

2009-06-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

- Magic Shell Chocolate Fudge
...seriously, if you haven't tried it, it will change your life. Somehow this liquidy chocolaty goodness goes hard when it touches ice cream, creating sensational magic inside your mouth.

- The fact I have my days off.
...I tried for awhile to get a 2nd job for the day time, but so glad I didn't. Spent today with Ashley and wedding crafts, and tomorrow with Ang and my sis (and the little ones!) to Kaleidoscope!

- Blog/Facebook comments.
... Enough said. Everyone loves those!

- My niece 5 mins away.
... My 3 year old niece Elisa lives so close, I love getting to spend time with her. We have a special song we we made up and sing together regularly, "It's Emily and Elisa day, it's Emily and Elisa day, IT'S EMILY AND ELISA DAY, HURRRRRRAAAAY!!!" We're getting really good at it, of course there's lots of jumps and squeals and wiggles mixed in between.

- Road Trip!
... Leaving Thursday for a road trip with my good friend Erin to go see Kels in TEXAS! Excited for the adventure and the spontaneous combustion of craziness that is inevitable when we're together.

Ways I Feel Love

2009-06-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

My dad asks me routinely how my cars working. Whenever I go somewhere he worries I don't have enough money and it takes heavy persuasion to reassure him I'll be fine.

My mom is so patient with me. She makes herself available and ready to help with absolutely anything and everything. Especially when I get lost driving more than I'd like to admit, she always becomes a loving Gardin.

My brothers voluntarily help me with my technological issues, even if it means a big time commitment.

My sister likes to dream with me and supports me in them.

I feel love in excited hellos or when people ask, listen, and then remember later to ask how that thing is going. And when people share their food with me. :)

I heard a guy say the other day that he considered being appreciative one of the purposes in life. I want to slow down and appreciate these things.

Summer Time!

2009-06-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

If I were to pin point one of my absolute favorite feelings in the world (okay-- maybe just on the top ten) it would have to be summer time driving,
windows all the way down,
feet out the window (preferably not driving!),
music way up
and on route to an adventure.
The smell of fresh air and feeling of hair tussling. Man, this gets me excited just thinking about it! I would have trail mix and big sun glasses and I would be on my way to go canoeing/rafting/tubing/anything with wonderful company. Ahhhhhhhhhh sweet summertime.

-----------------------------------

2009-05-31T12:25:00.000-07:00

Random fact about me is that I love linear things, and I've been realizing it more and more. I doodle geometrically, and I love linear hair cuts, designs and architecture. Last Christmas I went shopping for a new womanly bedspread (envisioning flowers, dainty curls, girliness) and after much contemplation I came home with a brown and white one with solid lines and I love it. Most of all I love boxy cars, especially Jeeps- Wrangler, Patriot, or Cherokee, my head turns every single time with a twinge of envy.

What does that say about me? Maybe I'm more of a linear thinker than I realize... I don't like too much fluff, I like things simple maybe?

Doughnuts and Departures

2009-05-29T09:53:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it is about people wanting me to eat with them when I serve at Olive Garden, but last night was another one of those sweet moments. This precious old couple invited me (with lots if persausive force!) to share their desert (Zeipple-- little Italian doughnuts). "Oh honey, you need to have another one" as we sat and chatted and later a $20 tip! Couldn't belive it.

So my brother enlists in the Army today. His wife is as well. Scary stuff. Between their apartment leases and departure date (3 mos.?) they'll be living at home which will be cool because we can spend lots of time together. Of course a lot of patience will be needed as well, but I'm looking foward to it.

And it's now looking like my adventure to Costa Rica might be prolonged a few months. Hum, lifes on a wim at this stage.

Paid Reality Show

2009-05-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

I know if Olive Garden had their own reality TV show it would be a hit- or at least I would like it! (I do actually, because I live it!) Filled with dramatic/funny/odd characters, there's always something entertaining and something to catch you off guard. I like to gamble with Mike (I've lost 20 cents so far- looking for a rematch) on whose food will come first in the window. Jorge's always ready to tell you 'ey luv you bebe', and laugh overly hard when he can't understand your English. Then there's Asian Mike who breaks out in full blown seriously loud opera singing to the costumers, and older Debra, full of ornery spunk who will tell you unfiltered how life is. If rambunctious Charlie finds you oblivious, he'll slip onions and lemons in your pouch, and if he has a towel in his hands, someone can expect a stinger on their behind! (I got one the other day and the whole restaurant heard about it! "CHARLIE!!!" Woops!) My friend Jen and I look a lot a like, and he have a great time tricking coworkers and costumers on whose who, and it often works!

I'm enjoying the show and enjoying them... most days.

Today I'm feeling restless.

2009-05-15T18:18:00.001-07:00

Right now I have no desire to be settled or to start a family. I don't get excited about planning a wedding or decorating a house or being domesticated. I'm sure it will be enjoyable when the time comes. I guess it's easier to say this being on the outside, but I feel like it's easy to be pulled into all the little cares and concerns of those things and I see people turn in and get consumed with them. I don't want to do that. These people have so much potential to do bigger things. I never want to lose sight of the big things. Ever. I want to be turned out. I love what my aunt told me the other day, "you know, my house is rarely clean, but I love spending more time at the soup kitchen." I don't want to get more excited about new brownie pans then getting the chance to help someone out. I don't want to stress about my daily to-do list when there are people dieing of hunger. I don't want to get angry about late garbage pick-up when children are being abandoned. I don't want my priorities to be on nothing when they can be on something.

Go Thunder! Tee-Ball

2009-05-05T06:48:00.001-07:00

Coach Emily/Third Base Coach/Me: Alright Sean, as soon as he hits that ball you gotta run lightening speed to home plate.

Sean (5 years): Have you ever seen Sonic the Head Hodge when he goes so fast he turns black?

Me: (Laughing) Is that what you're going to do?

Sean: (Big grin) YES!

(This little boy also runs with his arms straight for the same reason!)

Overheard...

Coach: You're playing short stop this inning.

Player: (5 yrs) Okay! Where's short stop?

Coach: Between 2nd and 3rd Player: Okay! Where's 2nd?

Pictures of Purity

2009-04-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

During worship today a picture was painted so clear in my mind and it had nothing to do with what we were singing about. I imagined the reaction of an owner of a 14 carat diamond would have if someone wrongly accused them of it being fake. This diamond was a very special thing to the owner, something they took time to save for, it was an investment, and they spent a great deal to get the real thing. With lots of emotion stirring inside of them, I imagine this owner would have adamant rebuttal to the accusation. This is the same with my purity that Jesus gave me. Satan cannot belittle what I have as not being real or enough to cover the dark parts of my life. NO. I have the most expensive, high-end purity/blamelessness/righteousness and it is mine and it is more than enough to cover me.

Olive Garden Blessings

2009-04-18T10:10:00.001-07:00

Blessings bursted out yesterday at work. In the afternoon I had a 7 top table of manly, ornery police officers and between our sense of humors we were cracking up the whole time, teasing about looks, schools and farting. They even invited/made me sit down (picture me with my full blown Olive Garden uniform, not exactly camouflaged in my surroundings!) and eat a piece of cake with them while talking about life and the struggle to push against the overwhelming amount of crap in the world to try to do some good.

I loved this experience so much and it made up for the mean outbursts of the salad lady and being yelled at by my trainer for carrying a salad bowl out with my hands and not a tray... I'm sorry Olive Garden for not having 'excellence in my tray service'. Oh brother.

Then during my break before the dinner shift, I was sitting and chatting with 4-5 other servers when talk of faith came up and I honestly couldn't get a word in. It came out that several people had their own faith in Christ and they started telling me how real God was and how burdened they felt to tell others about Him. As I heard how God was working in people's lives I got teary eyed. What an encouragement. People bring this up and talk about it more often.

Longing.

2009-04-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

Hispanic cooks pretend fighting over who's my 'novio', a phone number mysteriously left for me on a ticket, but today beats them both... a high school boy child waiter told me in all seriousness, "The strangest thing happens when I bump into you, it makes me feel like I can fly." This was the icing of the cake of gag reflexes for me, especially after last shift when I gave up counting how many times he tried to tie in cutesy compliments and pokes on my waist. Believe me, it is only the tiniest, minuscule amount of flattery, with a massive amount of annoyance and desire to ask him if his moms okay with him working this late.

It's all in good fun. I enjoy the people I work with a lot, my heart just aches.

I see cute couples out every night I work. I notice how they've dressed up and are just so jubilant to be out with their date, it's obvious its a special occasion to them. I ache for the time when I can be on the other side of the uniform.

This is and has been a daily normal occurrence on my mind. I absolutely cannot wait to meet "my man" for life. I am beyond excited and know this waiting has just built a huge reserve of how much I will treasure him and the time we get to share. I hope this will make me look beyond little flaws and respect just being able to have him, his manliness, his perspective, his company.

Sometimes I feel late- seeing a lot of my friends already married. Sometimes I feel early, knowing I've got most of my 20's in front of me. I'm great with "soon", I'll be great with "later" but right now I'm just filled with longing!

Back from Outerspace: God and Time

2009-04-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

They say sometimes you don't experience culture shock until you come home. I think they might be on to something...

Another thing that stuck out to me when I got home from South Africa was the totally different view on time. In "Africa time" they schedule by the day and not the hour, and 'now' is not in their vocabulary (at least how we mean it). There's 'just now', which could be between 15 minutes to whenever I feel like it, or 'now now' which means in a little while, but there's no rush...ever. I spent a lot of time waiting in South Africa, taking awhile for my American promptness to wear off.

This opened my eyes to my American time frame in how I view my relationship with God. There were a few times in SA that I was hoping and planning on dramatic light bulb experiences. I was out by myself with high expectations, in breathtaking scenery, listening to powerful music and expecting to hear from God. I wanted to finally have my doubts settled, get direction and know without a doubt who God is and who I am, and what drive was going to be behind my life. Silence. Nothing. Over and over again.

On separate occasions I shared my complicated frustrations with two woman who ironically (?) told me the same thing, "Emily, maybe you just need to chill out." Ha- funny that's what I tell other people all the time when I myself needed to hear it. They told me, if you're pursuing God, He will show You who He is and direct you in His timing, just wait."

Another admirable man with his share of past downfalls told me, "Emily, life is just one huge journey to know God. God might take years just to show you one little lesson."

These instances opened my overplaning/anylising/detail oriented mind to seeing more of the big picture of my life, and to just "sit back and enjoy the ride." It's not always that complicated after all.

And it's not until now that those pieces are finally starting to come together.

Back from Outerspace: Obesity

2009-03-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

I've been home now for a month and already in the swing of things, so much so it sometimes feels like it was all a dream.

First thing that stuck out to me when I got back was the outrageous amount of people here that are ridiculously overweight. I know, not nececiarrily a shocker, but it's such a shame. You strained to find a 1st world fat person in South Africa, young or old, it is just not culturally acceptable. This shows that getting old, being too busy ect. are really not excuses, and it can be done reasonably. We have such a spoiled culture where it is extreemly uncomfortable and rare to have to resist ourselves from anything we want. This comes from someone, who at the ripe age of 23, was just told by her doctor that she has high cholesteral and needs to lose 15 pounds. Don't worry, I'm on it.

Reminds me of a talk show on recently where they were discussing how American's were concerned that Barbie would increase rates of anerexia among children, when, ironicaly, we have the highest rate of childhood obesity. Makes me sick.

On the other hand, it's interesting that it's a compliment to 3rd world Africans to call them fat, because it means to them that they are prosperous and they don't have "the disease".

So, it could be worse- we could be in a culture that is just happy if they're able to eat everyday, but I do hope my culture and myself experience how good a little more will power feels.

Extra Curricular Activities

2008-11-25T06:30:00.000-08:00

Teachers here at Kingswood have a full plate. The other Grade 5 teacher I work with teaches his regular Grade 5 class, art classes, coaches whatever sport is in season, and you can find him mowing the school's grass in whatever free time he has left. My teacher teaches, coaches, is in charge of a current school play, and his Head Matron over one of the boarding houses. Wow. This Student Teacher has been no exception. Swimming- they have me coaching swimming- (enter laughter here). Not only have I never coached swimming, but they gave me the beginner group. Please try to picture this-- an odd ball mix of extra big to tiny as a stick swimmers, that if by the end of the practice no one has drowned, I consider it a huge success. It's so funny (chaotic, nerve wracking, makes you just have to make a big sigh) when the big swimmers try to stay above water ("swim") and create such a tidal wave that the littles ones are washed away. Arms flaling, zig zag lines and doggy paddling are normal sights to see. I've given it my best shot, taught them some things, and no one's died, so overall I think it was a good experience. One of my favorite memories is as a last resort (and because I really thought it would be a lot of fun) I lead them in some supurb water arobics.

We also just finished up with "Cafe Cabaret" which was a huge production put on by the school staff (everyone from the Stooges to the Headmasters in the Junior & Senior Schools) for them to bond and raise money for charity. We performed to pretty packed audiences for 4 nights- it was such a blast! I performed in a routine with the teachers to "Dancing Queen" as well as with the Stooge Girls in the "Can Can!" We were a hit, it might have helped that we did a lot of ruffling of our skirts and even flashed our undies at the end!

Here's a tour of the school via the back of my friends Motor Bike. You might want to mute the volume-- the wind sounds pretty hectic!

Being the Famous American Student Teacher

2008-11-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

I understand why famous people hide behind hoods and big sunglasses- I've experienced the same feeling. Don't get me wrong- it's incredible- but after you've returned a big smile and excited 'hallo' to a never ending supply of kids in the hallway, every passing period, every school day for going on 3 months now- you start looking for alternative routes.

When I look at the kids, the classroom and even the school building I can picture them fitting in the US-I almost forget I'm in another country until they start asking me questions with metric measurements- any questions on in./ft./yrds? No?

Me attempting to grade English assignments is also puzzling due to them spelling so many words differently. Spelling is already not my strong suit- then to see words like realise, mum, colour, and practise on papers- oh my! I always have to have a dictionary in arms reach!

I've had a lot of fun with the units I've gotten to teach. One was a detective mystery over "The Mysterious Case of Specimen-X". They got clues everyday to solve what this strange creature was meanwhile learning all about frogs. We also had a Bird Safari where they were trained all about birds to become well educated safari guides. They then researched their own birds and taught the class about them during our pretend Bird Safari excursion.

Below is a clip of a staged- but close to real- classroom greeting when a teacher walks in the room. The one below that is just a survey of my scene.

Learning the Tricks of the Trade

2008-11-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

So I've learned that if you're having trouble getting sleepyhead boys out of bed (age 10-14) all you need to do is mischieviously coordinate them all to go jump on another sleepyhead's bed- I've never seen them move so fast! It goes from being half awake, to, 'OKAY! Let's go!" Another trick is to start singing 'Dancing Queen' while dancing goofily in their room. Trying to hide their smiles, I'll I hear is "Nooooooooo, we'll get up, we'll get up!!" as they jump out of bed.

Over Halloween weekend I was really missing being home because they did nothing fun to celebrate it. So I got them all together in a pitch black room with a 'torch' (flashlight) and we took turns telling ghost stories- creepy voices and sound effects included! Keep in mind they're in 5th-7th grade, so their stories were really random, odd and not really scary at all. They had a good time though, especially laughing at me when I would jump at their loud or surprising parts. (Those that have ever experienced watching a scary movie can relate- I can be rediculously jumpy.) They even had shy little Tino hiding in a suitcase in the middle of the room, ready to jump out at the perfect moment to scare the unexpected newcomer. Half the fun was trying to secretly pulll this off without the Matrons knowing- they can be so strict and mean- I'm sure they wouldn't approve of half the things I allow (and plan!) for the boys to do.

I've realized that even though these boys are some of the luckiest/most priviledged in SA (compared to all those living in 3rd world poverty) they still have such a deficit when it comes to tlc. They say being a border is good because it makes you tough- but I don't know if that's so great. They miss out on a lot of tenderness and special attention. A new goal of mine is to hug and compliment/encourage a border each day. Go hug and encourage someone today that isn't expecting it- it'll be fun for both of you.

Fun Traditions

2008-11-08T04:42:00.000-08:00

This is a picture from the Matric's (Seniors) last day of school. Kingswood has this fun tradition where for an hour the Matrics are let loose in the Jr. School- the boys wearing little girl uniforms and the girls wearing the boys. They go crazy running around giving out kisses on the cheaks to all the kids and staff. They (boys and girls alike) have a bright tube of red lipstick that they reapply and reapply. The Jr. Kids just go haywire- screaming in excitment as these big kids dressed funny chase them around to kiss them. Ms. Aspleings daughter is a Matric, and she landed one on me! It's a site to see at the end of the hour- kids and teacher's faces covered in smooches and bragging about who had more. It was funny to see a heard of Matric boys (keep in mind- wearing tiny little skirts that don't cover much of them!) tackling one of their old male teachers. It was also halirious the day before to see the look on one of the new boy's face when he was told about this tradition- he was terrifed, thinking that these senior girls were going to french kiss him!

Cause I'm free, free falling!

2008-11-03T11:07:00.000-08:00

When someone says, "So if your friend jumped off a bridge, you would too?" it normally is to convince someone not to do something stupid. Well, consider me stupid.

The entire day before (as I was attempting to relax on an incredible beach in SA mind you) my stomach could do nothing but turn thinking and analysing why I shouldn't or should join my friend in bungee jumping off the highest bungee jump bridge in the world the next day. Everyone here told me I had to do it, being a once in a lifetime opportunity, blah blah blah (come to find out most of them hadn't). I replayed every split second in my mind of what I thought it would be like, and finally decided that, heck no, there was absolutely no way I was going to do it, and peer pressure wouldn't be enough to convince me otherwise. I continued with that same stubbornness all morning. We got to go on the bridge with my friend Sukie to watch her jump, and the workers told us it wasn't too late, that if anyone else was interested they could still harness them up, no problem. I think we know what comes next here, out of pure adrenaline/stupidity, I excitedly yelled, 'strap me up!' It was the most unpredictable experience, because before this point I was terrified just watching people jump, and now I felt completely fearless. I don't know what came over me, whether it was the breathtaking (litterally!) scenery, the loud pump up music, or once again, pure stupidity, I felt so relaxed you would have thought I was about to take a walk on the beach. Sukie and I were standing on the bridge, making jokes, dancing to the music, and I couldn't wait. It was quite a site to see hardcore bikers with tattoos up and down them, smoking cigarettes and sweating of nervousness and Sukie and I 'break dancing'.

It was my turn, and I got strapped up (just this measly thing wrapped around your ankles- okay that's what it felt like anyway), as the workers helped me step to the edge I warned them that they were going to have to push me- there was no way in heck I would be able to jump off a 216 meter bridge completely on my on free will, close, but not completely. Then there was no time to think, "3...2...1 BUNGEE!!" They all said I looked so funny after they pushed me, my arms flailing like I was trying to pull myself back. The first second, all I can remember was complete, all over body shock- as Roy says, "Hard to explain the rush...flying toward Terra ferma at terminal velocity with your life in the hands of a bunch of rubber bands! WOW!" The next few seconds were bliss- I was able to stretch out my arms (they had given up apparently in pulling myself back on the bridge) and thoroughly enjoy while screaming through the free fall. As soon as I felt the cord bounce me back up, I remember just screaming "I'M ALIVE, THANK YOU GOD I'M ALIVE!". It's incredible then to just bounce a few more times and be in the middle of this incredible vast, scenery- even if it was all upside down! After what seemed like an eternity of hanging, I got pulled back up with an unbelievable adrenaline rush. I am so glad I did it, and if given the chance, I would definitely do it again!

Learning to eat all over again

2008-10-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

(This meal incredible- salad with feta cheese and cherries and egg plant with chicken, cheese and ??? some other things that were really tastey!)

Next to my 'accent', the 2nd hardest way to hide that I am a foreigner is when it comes time to eat. I don't know how many times I sat in the dinning hall, and had to turn to ask a friend, 'what is this and how do I eat it?' At my first meal off the plane, Almarie (and every South African I've met after her) excitedly asked if I had ever tried Biltonge. The first time I heard it, in my ears I heard 'bull tongue'- and instantly I felt my stomach sink and I thought, 'I just landed in Africa and already they're offering me strange animal parts to eat!' Ahh! Since then I've learned its actually a prized, higher quality type of jerky. Unfortunately, it just so happens jerky is one of the only foods I can not stomach, so with a big smile I've received and regifted a few gifts of Biltonge since I've been here.

I was freaked out when I was first offered milk for my 'pourage' (cereal) that had been left out over night. Their milk is processed differently here in a way that makes it long lasting- it can go days without being in the fridge- that took some getting used to!

I've been served a lot of interesting combinations here as well- one was a croissant with graded cheese and jam for breakfast. It was surprisingly 'nice'. It's so interesting to me how they never use the word 'good', always 'nice'. And it's definitely 'jam', not 'jelly'. One day at lunch I mistakenly asked someone to pass the 'jelly' and I got a whole table of funny looks. Their 'jelly' is our Jello, so you can only imagine their confusion (& mine!). Also when they eat Jello, they pour hot vanilla custurd on top which is weird.Their 'crisps'/'chips' are so interesting to me- with flavors like Thai Chili, Tomato, and Spring Onion and Cheese. Fast food around here is also a lot more exciting, you can order pizza with sausage in the crust, and your hamburger choices include ones with mushroom sauce, fruit chutney or even a fried egg if you'd like! If you order 'chips' (fries) with your meal they even include a tiny fork to eat them with- and that is a perfect example of the 'cutlery' manners and expectations around here. Wow- eating has become an art form! Through early and kind teasing from Rufus I learned Americans are 'confused' in thinking the side of their fork is actually a knife to cut things with- that's not the case here. A knife and fork are in hand through the whole process of eating until your done, and then you set them down together diagonally on your plate. Heaven forbid you ever pick something up with your hands! One day out to lunch, Almarie stopped and took my picture because she was so proud of how I've learned to use my knife!

I am becoming quite accustomed to my Robust Tea and rusks as well as the scones, 'biscuits' (cookies) and chocolate they have here- they're all so 'divine'! With all these new and exciting things to try I don't think I'll be coming home looking like I've been in Africa!

Allow me to introduce you to my Host Family

2008-10-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

Almarie, Rufus, Justus, and Inge. It's absolutly unreal how lucky I am to have been connected to these people and been counted as a member of their family since day 1. Almarie, who is excitedly holding her much desired Starbucks travel mugs from my family, may be one of the single most meaningful reasons why I'm here. I just don't feel like I can rightly express it in words. I love watching how her faith seems so real and simple. On any and every occasion she is sharing and living wisdom, making wise cracks that get me laughing, and taking more than an incredible amount of care of me. She has become a priceless friend and mentor and I already have this inkling she's going to be the hardest thing to leave when I come home.

Rufus, who I promise is the Crocodile Hunter, SA version, is much of the same. He is a man that gets very squeamish if kept indoors too long and is always willing to tenderly share what he's learned about life and God and ministry to anyone who will listen. A few times I've got to help him write his emails, which was funny, because apparently it shortens the process for him a great deal! I appreciate how he too makes such an effort to be apart of my life here. I am spoiled to get calls often asking how I'm doing and if I'm happy.

If you were wondering- it's real- Justus and I are definitely holding some homegrown Transkei Marijuana in the picture!

That's one thing I'm thinking probably shouldn't make it into my

souvenir collection.

Transkei- Take 2

2008-10-10T04:16:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I got a special treat to tag along with an American team back into the Transkei. They were coming to do a variety of projects, one being going back to the school I visited before to do a course on AIDS awarness. My mom, being the compassionate and go-getter she is, arranged for the team to bring a suitcase from her filled with school supplies

(posters, blocks, chalkboards, atticus, balls, books) for me to take to them. What an awesome time to be the messenger! I really enojed showing the teachers everything and I know it will bless the kids and the school tremendously. It was an experience for me to have to show them what could and couldn't stick to the magnent board- something new to them!

I had such a light hearted and playful time with the kids this trip. My first trip I honestly really struggled to connect to what I was seeing and I became regretably stand off-ish. It was like I was seeing things in a picture- it had no deapth, if that makes sense. There was nothing I could relate to, we couldn't communicate, their culture was strange to me, and I was hesitant to even what body language was acceptable. This time was different and a connection was made through the little girl that is on my lap in the picture below. You know how most of the time when you pick up a little one to just squeeze and love to pieces, they normally lay there limp, unresponsive. When I picked up and hugged this young girl, I felt her little arms and tiny hands and fingers sqeeze me back. That was the first thing I understood in this village all day.

I spent most of my time surrounded (mobbed - in a good way- more like!) by little ones soaking it up. I would start to rub some backs, and all of a sudden someone was at my back giving it a good rub and even a masage! I would attempt to walk around, but I always had at least 2 kids holding on to my hips, so it was quite a slow, but sweet process to get anywhere. I was holding hands and playing tag, I was tickling and having my hair styled by their curious fingers. I got out my MP3 player and I had a line of tiny-big people hoping to get the chance to listen. They would all bob their heads and pretend to know the words as they sang along to Lifehouse and others. It's incredible how powerful a thing touch is, but it's a tragedy how rare and special it is to them.

A Girl's Home in Boy's Village

2008-09-11T05:54:00.000-07:00

This is my new home in the 'Boy's Village' of Kingswood College. It's a gated area right next to the school with three houses, mine being the one back to the left in this pic-->

My house is called 'Rob House' and it has three bedrooms for the boys, a room for the Head Matron (older lady who's in charge) a room for me, a little kitchen and a living room area. This last weekend I had my first time on 'duty' where you get to hang out with the boys, plan activities for them (like going to the pool/computer lab/sports fields ect.), take them to their meals, make sure they shower, are in bed on time and then we wake them up in the morning. Our house has 11, 5th-7th grade boys who are all very ornery. They love to rough house, and they surprisingly learned I could hold my own! "Ms. Duggan's stronger than she looks!" "Ms. Duggan's fast'a than a cheetah!" My weekend with them was so much fun, we played games together on my lab top, I taught them how to play the card game Spoons, we went to the pool and they taught me how to play Cricket. Spoons was funny because I couldn't find any spoons so I used my mascara tubes just to watch them squirm. They were impressed with my Cricket playing- even though I didn't really understand what I was doing, I supposedly made some outs and scored some runs!The overload of testosterone had a funny effect on me- one moment I was beating them all at arm wrestling, and the next moment I had to paint my nails to balance out.

There are several college students that work at Kingswood as 'Stooges' (they have the responsibilities that I mentioned before) and it makes life at Kingswood so enjoyable. They have all become such good friends- so fun, incredibly friendly and willing to invite me along to things. Here's a peak at our Cricket game, it was Stooges against the kids-- didn't catch the exciting plays, but you can hear a little bit of their accents and see a little of what I see...

I thought we spoke the same language...

2008-09-08T03:12:00.000-07:00

When you go for a drive in South Africa you make turns at the 'robots' (traffic lights). If you're from the States, it will most likely 'cause you a fright' as you find yourself driving on the left side of the road. (This creates a really funny experience for me because when you look at the drivers seat it looks like no ones driving the car!)'Oh my word!' So 'hectic' (crazy)! It's interesting to me how it parallels with people walking on the left side of the hallway- I've finally learned this the hard way! Kingswood College is filled with 'grade knots' (Kindergarten) to 'Matrics' (Seniors) and I don't teach Fifth Graders, but 'Grade Fives'. They all just got back from their 'holiday' so they're very rested and active. My class is filled with names like Vaughen, Clifford, Bronwyn, & Vuyo who are a 'lovely' group who manage to be 'quite nice' and 'naughty' at the same time. (A relief that kids seem to stay the same no matter where you go!) High expectations are put on these kids to keep their 'files' (notebooks) 'tidy' and all their 'rubbish' in the 'dust bins'. They work diligently to not get 'ticks' (check marks) so their 'marks' (grades) will be high and they always stick to their 'time tables' (calanders). They use 'elastics' (rubber bands) and 2 ring 'punches' on their papers. (I confusedly asked where the 3 ring hole punch was {laughter} and I was told I probably wouldn't find one of those around here.) The kids are very polite, if I needed anything they'd ask, 'mus'nt I go fetch that for you?' As I wrote before, I am always 'keen' for 'half past 10' (never 10:15 or 10:30, but quarter past 10...) for tea and 'samies' (grilled cheese with tomatoes) in the teacher's lounge where you can also find their 'pigeon holes' (mailboxes). I think it's pretty 'kiff' (cool) how the 'chaps'/'oaks' (guys) always offer me their 'sweeties' (candy), but sooner or later I'm going to have to learn to say no. (This is not a language barrier problem unfortunately!) I hope to get the chance to load some more pictures 'just now' (not to be confused with 'right now' but 'eventually'- again, I had to learn this one the hard way).

It's been so good to have all these experiences, but it sure doesn't keep me from missing warm hugs and deep relationships. Miss you all so much :)

I thought I arrived in Africa...

2008-09-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

One of the most interesting parts about SA is how it's home to 2 drastically different cultures. A week ago I was in the Transkei walking among black African women wrapped in cloth in their rodillas (clay homes with straw roofs) holding their starving babies, and now I'm surrounded by a community of black and (mostly) white Africans who seemed to have been transported from Britain yesterday. I feel like I've travel to 2 countries in one trip!

I started with my actual Student Teaching at Kingswood College in Grahamstown last Tuesday. It's a boarding school for k-12 grade. I still can't comprehend how these little kids live so far from home while still being so young- I'm 23 and can still get homesick!

On my first day you could have told me I had somehow arrived on another planet and I would have believed you. Wherever you walk there are students greeting you, "'Mam" and my class even stands up to greet me when I walk in the room! "Good day Ms. Duggan". It really caught me off guard when the students pause beside the door frame waiting to let me go through first. The British Education culture has to be made up of geniuses, because the best surprise came around 10:30am when I learned there was a tea and toasted sandwich break everyday for all the teachers! I am definitly willing to bring this tradition back to the states! It was fun to see the students eagerness to ask me questions, one memoriable one being "What celebrities have you met? Have you been to California? Las Vegas?" [Since all they know of the US is from the movies! I can't imagine what preconcieved ideas they had about me!]

School in the 3rd World

2008-08-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

This blog is still in progress... I get little spurts of time, but come back for the complete story! Visiting Schools in the Transkei. It's was shocking to see how many miles all these kids would have to walk on the highways just to get to school. We arrived just as the bell was ringing and it was fun to see the last of them scurring up the road to be on time (I was sure able to relate!). To start of the day they would line up in their classes and sing songs that made any choir I've ever heard sound pitiful. With the most beautiful voices and harmonies they sang, then heard a morning devotion, that would be given today by their new American friend (me) by translator. Above is a picture of their precious kindergarten class that we got to set in on and watch. They couldn't have been more adorable as they happily sang songs about their colors and days of the week while sitting on cratored cement floors with no matierals or toys except some little wood pieces they called their blocks. It was so funny as they each took turns introducing themselves, the boys especially would pridfully shout (and the teacher welcomed their loud enthusiasum), "Ey um sp-e-cial, ey um unique, my name es ____, ey um fieve yeers ould and ey um a bouy." The teacher was very kind to me and I keep thinking how she asked me if I ever got to come back if I could bring some matierals. I would love to do that.

This is a clip of a Pre-School we vistited, all orphans, who are learning their number '5' and vowels. The teachers bouncy and loving personality was so beautiful.

Life in the Transkei

2008-08-29T07:33:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is, a view of the Trankskei. Its a vast (mini) mountainous area that is covered with townships packed with many people living in 3rd World devastation. We got to work with a man named Dan, a missionary here from Kansas, who helps to organize sponsorships for children in extreme poverty, most of whom are orphans. The town committee helped Dan get a list of 50 children that we were there to get their information and picture, but when other people from the township heard word we were there, the line was endless! In effort to not make anyone angry, we took every one's information, about 150 children in the end. (It's harder to hide from angry people when your whiteness sticks out so badly, so we gladly agreed!) Since I couldn't speak their language (African) I got the best job, while Justus and Inge took their information, I got to take their picture and give them candy.There would be children that would come who looked in a daze, which I learned was a symptom of mal-nutrition. So many of the kids had the most beautiful, charming smiles, but when it came time for me to get their picture, they would give the most serious looks. I was beginning to feel like I was failing at my job, then I learned that was pretty common place, that many in their culture believe they look ugly when they smile. I still gave it my best attempt, I tried tickling, and butchering their word for laugh, 'flacka' since they don't have a word for 'smile'. Another neat thing I got to see in action was Dan starting 2 new soup kitchens for orphan children. It was pretty simple, he would get them a stove, kitchen utensils, the food and a recipe, and set up shop for a local 'Momma' to be in charge of. 'Mommas' are respected woman in the community, it's a title of honor. I got to go to the grocery store with him, which was an experience in itself! The place was packed and it is common and comfortable in their culture to push around people, and cut in front of you in line. I was totally out of place and if Dan hadn't told me I was being way too polite we probably would have been in there twice as long.

We got to talk (well they did, and I got the English version later) to some of the local women in the communities of the new soup kitchens, and one of them was a teacher who said it wasn't uncommon for the children to start crying at 9 or 10 o'clock because they were so hungry. The two new locations are ideal because they are close to schools, so orphan children have a place they can go to when it's time for lunch. I can't imagine what kind of a struggle this is on a daily basis. This is just the tip of my experience there, so much more to tell and for me to still process.

Making a landing in SA

2008-08-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah! I'm so glad you've clicked to read up on my page-- it's such an awesome thing to be able to connect to home when you're far from it. Be sure to leave a comment and let me know how you're doing :)

Well- I did it, I somehow I made my way through 5 airports, over 24 hours, and an ocean to safely make it to South Africa! (With all my luggage-- that's an quite an accomplishment for this first time solo traveler!) Surprisingly, so far I have loved facing this new experience head on by myself- just me and my thoughts and the new adventures around me.

I got in some prime time people watching while in the airports. Seeing Muslim men take off their shoes and bow to the East in the waiting area, and hearing a Jewish man (with his little hat) cheer 'Mozzeltoff' when they brought extra help to quicken the security line where some of my favorites. There was one truly American cultural phenomena that stopped me in my tracks at the NY airport and I had to stop and take a picture...grossness dispensed in a machine.

While on my first plane I got a real pleasant surprise from the cute flight attendant, "Ms. Dougen, we have a seat upgrade available for you." [He said it was sympathy for knowing I had a long flight ahead of me, but I'd like to think it's one advantage of being a woman traveling alone ;) ] On another flight I had a most interesting traveling seat neighbor, his name was Baa and he was a old African man that was quite smelly but very sweet. It was so funny and surprising when I woke up from a nap to see him wrapped in his blanked from the top of his head to his toes like a ca coon- I guess he the plane was a little colder than his liking.

My host family couldn't be more incredible with their warm hearts and charming British accents. There's Rufus, the 'Papa' who is a professional hunter. He's the kind of person that you would want to share exciting news with first because his jovial expressions more than light up the room. He teases me a lot about being an American and how I am his new project to 'toughen up'. Almarie, his wife and my African mom is so special. She is full of wisdom and wit and takes more than enough care for me. Justus, their son, is a Jr. in highschool and as onry as ever. Inge is their daughter who's a sophmore in highschool, who has such a good mix of tomboyishness and tenderheartedness we connect very well. It's fun to have little syblings around. :) I'll have to get a picture of them up here soon.

We spent the last few days on their Ranch, relaxing and letting me take in the sights. I've seen monkeys, a massssive spider, Kudo (huge African deer with horns), Dika, and Springy (American rabbit on steriods mixed with a small kangeroo). I've eaten Kudo sausage, Leg of Lamb and Sheep Ribs, all firsts for me! The first picture is of their sheep, many of whom just had little lambs that I got to hold. Justus drove Inge and I around on the Safri Jeep all over as we collected plants for their garden. Have you seen those pictures with monkeys that have orange slices in their mouths? That's what I was thinking here, trying to fit in with my environment in the jeep picture. The picture of the massive clay mound is an ANT HILL that are all over, they are at least to my thigh- they make American ants look like wimps!

Tommorrow are headed to the Transky, the 'real Africa' as they say, where they do their ministry. I'm looking forward to it. Miss you all and will post more later. Much love from SA.

2008-07-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

John 8:31-32
31Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;
32And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

These have been some of my favorite words to think about lately. Rich-beautiful-strong-hopeful-healing. They're 'big picture' words for me. I want to know the Truth more. I want to know its 'ins and outs' so well that I can know God more clearly and direct my life after it. I just want the truth- there are so many lies and so much confusion that can seem to be so convincing but so empty. The Resurrection (period).

2008-06-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

I had a first today... a whole afternoon (until 4pm) anyway, to do absolutely nothing. I took the opportunity to take a breath, and step back to look at where I am in life. [This sounds strange until I get the chance to explain how crazy busy and absorbed into the daily routine details I've had to be lately]

I'm now a new 23 year old, post college woman working and living at home for the summer. I'm working two jobs to pay for my plane ticket to South Africa in August and to build up some savings to pay for student loans when I graduate in December. Underneath the discomfort of going through these last few challenging months, I would never take the easy route and miss what I've been able to take away from them.

I truly understand what it feels like for someone to experience doubt in their faith- to hit the bottom- and the confusion, and sadness that goes with it when what they've held so dear is questioned.

In May I taught in a KC school where few sterotypes fit at all. There were so many positive things going on there- you really can't go by what you hear- experience it for yourself, and then make an opinion.

I've felt anger when I watched one of my wealthier classmates stick up her nose when we drove through a poor side of town. What makes people think they are any better than another person because they have nicer things? That really bothered me and opened my eyes to the rotteness of ignorant pride.

I got to experience what it feels like to be an extreme minority, to be stared at in crowds and wondering to myself about what kind of wrong judgements they're making about me. Then, to learn some of my own wrong judgements I had made about them.

Overall, my job at Freedom School has been a challenging uphill battle. Nothings come easy and I've had to learn to motivate myself to keep going. I've gotten to experience so many awesome instances with the kids- trouble makers turned teacher's pets and glares turned into hugs. It's taken lots of care and patience-- but it really is rewarding to see some good come out. [It's only been one week-- let's hope I can still say the same at week 6!]

I just realize how general, and corny this sounds, but really- with all the new, unknown, and challenging things that have been put on my plate, I have experienced and learned so much in a short amount of time. There's been a lot of frusteration, and some tears, but it makes me think I always want to keep challenging myself anyway.

Post Northwest

2008-05-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've decided the day before Mother's Day is my favorite day to shop- it was adorable today to see so many men trying cluelessly to pick out just the right purse or other gift for the special women in their life.

I'm now officially moved out of Maryville for good, and I'm going to miss it. Between saying good-bye to good friends, preparing the next leaders to take over CRU, packing up and moving out, and oh yeah- finals, it was a whirlwind of activity and emotion. Lots of really good memories and experiences came from ol' Maryville, and I'm thankful.

I had a whopping 2 days to let myself have closure and have it all settle in before my next adventure started. During the month of May I'm completing my teaching practicum at McCoy Elementary, an inner city KC school, and so far I'm loving it. In the midst of broken homes, poverty, drugs, and gang activity lye a class of third graders that have stolen my heart. These kids are so loving, and anti-sterotipical well behaved. I never leave without hugs and lots of disappointed faces that I'm leaving. I'm spoiled to have them.

Too legit to quit.

2008-04-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

Unlike my entire life, this last semester I've pondered the legitimacy of Christianity more than ever. I've learned the perspective of the 'other side' and can see how Christianity can come across as less than convincing.

I've made a lot of asumptions... [which I'm sure the saying about 'asumptions' will prove true here somewhat as well]. What this really means is I judge people all the time and I'm not always right.

I assume that lots of people are in Christianity for reasons other than that they believe in God and want to give their lives to Him. I can see why unbelieving people call the church a feel-good 'crutch'. Why wouldn't people be drawn to a place where they are told constantly that someone loves them, will unconditionally forgive them, and allow them to think that everything they do is important because this God has a special plan for their life. [Since no person does this for them-- why not make up an invisible being that does? This way they wont get hurt or dissapointed.]

Then there are those that go through the Christian routine with no real signifigance that there is a God in their lifes at all. They are the ones that eat up the attention and praise they get for living the Christian life style and look down on those who don't. Christian activities become purpose for having a social circle where they belong and can stay busy and where they get their pats on the back for doing what's right. Christianity is nothing more than good PR for some and it sure doesn't sell God for an unbeliever or for anyone for that matter.

Sometimes my personal doubts come when I see the lack of initive in my life and the Christians around me. If God is legit, and His Words are true- then why can it be like pulling teath to get people to actually do something with what they say they believe? If God is real, why is it so hard to find people, especially guys to stand up and be bold in what they know about God or take any kind of spiritual risk? What we know about God sometimes doesn't seem to be enough to persuade us to make it a priority to tell unbeliving people about Him or to live our lives any differently than someone that doesn't know God. We are telling the world that we'll talk about how we believe in God, but we don't really believe it enough for it to significantly change our lives.

The seemingly ignorant and nieve Christian sayings are another thing that just sends me over the edge. Nothing screems ignorance like cliche, fairy tale type, cutsie sayings. Ignornace means to an unbeliever (and any sceptical mind, including myself) that you have been brainwashed into what you think, and you are just repeating what you've been spoon fed.

Examples that I can laugh at now, but at the time I was so annoyed...
- At CRU we had a speaker this semester that claimed it obviously wasn't God's will for her to go to Grad. School because she didn't pass the GRE. "Everything happens for a reason" right? It was just a minor detail that she didn't put any effort into studying for it. Ahh! Dumb!! Don't blame your bad decision on God.
- I was telling a pastor that I really admire recently how I was discouraged and struggling with logically dealing with things about Christianity. His advice for me was to, 'be encouraged'. I knew what he ment by that, but in my sceptical and sarcastic mind all I could think was, "Wow, that was deep. I'm totally encouraged now, that did the trick, thanks."
- The idea of blind faith is ironic to me too. 'Just believe.' I'm sure the people that flew the planes into the Twin Towers on 9/11 were completely motivated by blind faith too.

I'm not saying I think God and Christianity are not legit. I am saying if people arn't really persuing knowing God and what truth is, it sure makes it harder to be convincing.

What are your thoughts?

Little People

2008-03-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

Awesome kid moments lately...

+ I was ease dropping on preschooler Maddie talking dramatically with her friend at the sand table, "Did you know Beast, in The Beauty and the Best is real. He is, I know he is because I saw him at Disney World."
+ One of my favorite first grade boys asked me yesterday if I would marry him. I had to tell him no because he was too short for me. :)
+ This one means the most to me... a boy that has always been the biggest trouble maker the 2 years I've worked there(to the point of having to leave the program because of violence) and has always made it no secret he didn't like me-- recently has become my biggest fan. 'Ms. Emily, Ms. Emily watch this.' (I heard this about 10 times in a 30min period today). I mentioned I liked a movie, 'Oh yeah that is a good movie. Yeah, that is a really good movie. Ms. Emily are you going to be in afterschool today?' It's a powerful thing to see a change of heart.

Some how, getting this out feels better.

2008-03-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

A little piece of me deadens thinking of being surrounded in one area of thought. Thus, the idea of being locked into a career sounds dreadful and blinding. All through school, I've thrived in how every hour of my day has been drastically different, going from one dramatically different subject to another, with different people, with different possibilities for conversation and experience. Yes, I'm a young and ignorant college student, and I fit the mold in that I don't want to be tied down.

Getting ready for another transition has also made me full of reflection. Leaving the people I've grown with the last 4 years is horrible thing to ask of someone. This is hypocritical of me-- the one that loves change-- to be bitter of the fact that change requires relationships to change. I'm probably being a little dramatic-- I bet Kansas City will keep many of my friends close to me. Part of me has regret that I didn't take the chance to get to know some great people better. Part of me is scared that this summer, living back at home, is going to be a lot harder than I think it will. Part of me is ready to leave because of an ever widening experience/maturity gap that makes it hard to relate at times.

Right now I'm in probably one of the most frustrating, uprooting period of my faith and out look on life. My mind has been filled with criticisms and doubts. I have the feeling that this will either make my faith much stronger or deflate a huge part of me. Through all this logical debate in my mind-- I also feel this emotional struggle-- there's a part of me that will push God away, in hopes that He'll pursue even harder, and not give up on me, vs. this fear that, what if He doesn't?

Kindred Spirit?

2008-01-18T11:25:00.000-08:00

This is Desiderius Erasmus, one of the most influential of the northern Renaissance humanists as well as my new fascination of study. He desired to restore Christianity to the early simplicity found in Jesus' teaching in a time where the "church" was horribly corrupted in legalistic forms of religion. He believed that to reform the church it involved spreading an understanding of the philosophy of Jesus, providing an enlightened education in the sources of early Christianity, and making common sense criticism of the abuses in the church.

Thank God for how he used this man and Martin Luther right after him. Who would have thought I'd find western civ 2 so intriguing.

2008-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

I am in a confusing/exciting/up in the air time in my life-- transitioning from college to the 'real world'. It's made me think about so many things, like what REAL Christ following in America looks like post college. What is idealistic? What is realistic? What is ignorange? What parts of American "Christianity" have turned too comfortable where they're no longer as Jesus intented them? What does the Word of God really say daily life should be like? What skills has God given me and how I'm a suppose to use them? I fear having to spend so much time in a job that I loose focus on the most important things. I'm looking forward to being challenged and getting to know God in a new way by being in a different enviornment. I really hope to student teach abroad for the same reason, but nothing is falling into place right now. I'll write more, this is just to get something on here for now.

Em